Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor? John: You told me to do it without using tables.

 1."Teacher, Teacher I need to pee!"

"Let me hear your ABC's."

"Okay, A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O Q R S T U V W X Y and Z."

"Good job, except where is the P?"

"Halfway down my leg!

2.Teacher: Order children, order!

Student 1: I want a burger!

Student 2: I want chocolate ice cream!

Student 3: I want Lasagne!

Teacher: Sheesh!

Students: (laughing) Sorry!!!

3.Teacher: Give me a sentence with the word "fascinate" in it.

Student: If I had a sweater with ten buttons and two fell off, then I would only have to fascinate (fasten eight)!

4. Stevie: Hey, Mom, I got a hundred in school today.

Mom: That's wonderful! What did you get a hundred in?

Stevie: In two things: I got forty in reading and sixty in spelling.

5. Teacher: Joe, can you name two pronouns?

Joe just waking up: Who, me?

6.Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am beautiful," which tense is it?

Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

7. It was the first day of school and the teacher asked all the troublemakers to stand up. Finally this girl stood up and the teacher asked, "Are you a troublemaker?"

The girl said, "No." The teacher asked why she was standing and the girl said, "You looked lonely."

8.Teacher: Fred, the story you handed in called "Our Dog," is exactly like your brother's.

Fred: Of course. It's the same dog.

9.A teacher said to a student could you count to ten for me. This is what the kid said: "1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 10."

The teacher asked, "Where is 9."

"7 and 9," said the student matter-of-factly.

10. Teacher: Why are you late?

Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.

Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?

Student: No. I was standing on it.

11.Teacher: Have you completed the work at home?

Student: No, sir.

Teacher (angrily): Why?

Student: Because my father has hired servants to do the work at home.

12. Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?

Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?

Little Johnny: But I asked first!

13. A teacher once asked a boy, "Where is the Dead Sea?"

The boy replied, "Miss, I never knew it was sick."

14.Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the classroom. The teacher asked why are you arguing. One of the boys said, "We found a $10 bill and decided to give it to the person who tells the biggest lie."

The teacher said, "You should be ashamed of yourselves. When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie meant."

The two boys gave the $10 bill to the teacher.

15. Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?

Johnny: Nothing, sir.

Headmaster: Exactly.

 16. Mom: Why aren't you doing well in history?

Child: Because the teacher keeps asking about things that happened before I was born!

17. A teacher asked a girl, "How was the Red Sea formed?"

The girl said, "Sorry Miss, I don't know who painted it."

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18. Teacher: John, why are you doing your math multiplication on the floor?

John: You told me to do it without using tables.

19. When Dad came home he was astonished to see Alec sitting on a horse writing something. "What on earth are you doing up there?" Dad asked.

"Well the teacher told us to write an essay on our favourite animal. That's why I'm up here and sitting on the goldfish bowl!"

20.Teacher: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.

Winnie: Me!

21. Teacher: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?

Glen: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

22.The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.

The student: I walk. You walk, ..

The teacher interrupts him: Quicker please.

The student: I run. You run.

23. Teacher: How many seconds in a minute?

Student: 60

Teacher: How many minutes in an hour?

Student: 60

Teacher: Good, now for a hard one, how many seconds in a year?

Student: 12

Teacher: 12?

Student: Yes, January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd...

24.Shelly: Our teacher is a peach.

Kelly: You mean she is really nice?

Shelly: No, she has a heart of stone.

2.Principal: Well, Ronald, I hear you missed the first day back to school.

Ronald: Yeah, but I didn't miss it very much.

 

Teacher: If 1+1=2 and 2+2=4, what is 4+4?

Student: That's not fair! You answered the easy ones and left me with the hard one!

 

There was a kid named Joey and he couldn't add, so when they had a test on addition he copied off John's paper. When he was finished with the test his teacher said: Joey why did you copy off John's paper?

Joey: I didn't.

Teacher: Yes you did.

Joey: How did you know?

Teacher: I knew because when John wrote, "I don't know," on question #6, you wrote, "me neither."